How bad is bad enough?

Part of the myth of alcoholism is that you need to hit some kind of rock bottom in order to make a change. You can always find a few things that you haven't messed up yet as a way to prove you don't have a problem. This narrative makes it super easy to avoid facing your truth. So, as with many of the sober-curious folks out there I'm not using alcoholism to describe my situation.

So straight to the spilled tea, on my worst days I'd have maybe 4-5 drinks. Perhaps I'd start with a beer at "lunch." But, lets be honest when you are working remotely like I do, I don't really take a distinct lunch break. So more honestly it looks like getting a case of the hungries, opening the fridge to uninspiring leftovers, and deciding to pour a beer into your coffee mug as you and continuing to tap away at your tasks. The beer buzzard says, "Look at you! You've been working since 7am, and this little act of rebellion is exactly the way to treat yourself! The beer buzzard ignores the fact that I usually work from 7am to 4pm to have more overlap with coworkers in different time-zones, and to better align with my partner's early military schedule, so there isn't anything notable or dramatic about starting work that early in the day. 

I work in tech and most of the offices I've worked in have had beer on tap, whiskey bottles proudly displayed in corners and regular beer-soaked lunch breaks. The beer buzzard says, "If you were working in a real office, today might have been our boozy lunch anyway", and that "This secret self care makes you resilient, more relaxed and better at navigating your workload."

This is of course is a lie, I'm not sticking it to "the man"  or participating in the office culture by drinking "at" work, and it doesn't make me better at handling my tasks. As the beer disappears quickly, and my ability to focus dwindles with it. I don't feel great about myself, and I feel less hopeful that I can get through my aspirational to-do list. I eat more junk and decide to drown that feeling of disappointment in another beer to make the afternoon pass. I still have a run to do today, but it is too hot to run right now anyway, so I'll just sober up with a nap in the afternoon. After two beers I might switch to diet coke, pouring a little whiskey straight into the can, because, the buzzard tells me, "you are already buzzed, and it tastes better this way" and I wait for my partner to get home. I'll take out the recycling, and prep a few things for dinner, before heading to bed for a nap. Ninety minutes is a full sleep cycle, so that ought to do it. I'm groggy from the nap when I wake up around 6pm, and get out for a run before dinner.

That 5 mile shake out run I had planned becomes a 4 mile run. I tell myself it doesn't matter, my ultra marathon is probably going to get cancelled because of the pandemic anyway. I get my partner to fire up the grill with some corn and chicken and I finish a salad I started making. We eat dinner outside and  I have, as far as he knows, my "first" beer of the day while we watch the sunset and laugh at our dog begging for scraps. We watch an episode of survivor before getting into bed before 10pm.

So there is an example of a day with the beer buzzard. Sometimes, especially when my partner is away in the field I will start later in the evening, making myself cocktails he probably wouldn't like while I watch several episodes of something trashy on Netflix.

My moment of bad-enough isn't really a hangover. It was late May, and I'd had a few "moderate" two-beer days. I was  reflecting on my overall mood and noticing that along with low motivation for training with all of my upcoming races being cancelled, the scales were tipping in at over 140lbs, which is high for me. I felt bloated, my boobs felt painfully swollen, which sometimes happens related to getting my period, but I haven't had a period since last year. I wasn't feeling good in my summer clothes because of the weight gain and bloating feeling. I wasn't feeling sexy with my partner, and because of various cramps sex was more painful that usual. I wasn't feeling good about my weekly mileage or my hard workouts. I wasn't feeling focused or productive at work.

The beer buzzard would normally say "give yourself a break, the pandemic is hard for everyone" or "time to reach for a beer to numb that disappointment away!" But I guess the beer buzzard was on vacation for the day, so I had this moment where I realized all of this would be at least a little bit better if I wasn't drinking, so I decided to stop. I still haven't decided that complete sobriety forever is the right thing for me. Partly because the idea of giving up alcohol forever seems like too big of a thing to think about right now. And spoiler alert, I haven't been completely sober since then, and I'm still figuring out what I want steady state to be.