The Sugar Crutch

I was just reading a blog post about going sugar free for a month, and it seems like sugar is a common substitute for booze. I've always had a sweet tooth, and as a human female I've always had some body issues imposed on me by the world. In high school, especially my disordered eating was severe. I would do the counting calories and skipping meals thing often aiming for less than 1000 calories a day, and then I would get so hungry and eat a whole movie theater candy box. I know intellectually that any minute I spend hating my body is a minute I've wasted, a minute I'll never get back. Life is too precious for that. I am an athlete, my hunger is real and I should honor it. At the same time, I can remember the times I was a bit thinner, and feeling good about my body made me feel invincible. That bliss is only a few pounds away... 

Alcohol is something I've used as a coping mechanism for many things. Realistically, I know that when I crave a beer, I'm also craving calories. When I decided to stop drinking, I knew I would need to go easy on myself is some other ways. If I don't feel like doing the run on my training plan and instead I want to ride my bike or do yoga - I can. If I want to eat cinnamon toast for breakfast and then immediately eat a million gummies - I can. If I want to call it an early day and take a nap - I can. The idea is, I'll do whatever I need to do to put some time between me and heavy drinking.

The thing I've learned about dieting , is that my body clock doesn't reset just because a calorie counter app resets. If I under eat for a day, then the next day I'll be extra hungry, same deal if I over eat. The body is a finely tuned machine, that is designed to signal for what it wants food-wise. Sugar, and diet sodas are the biggest crutches I've been using to not drink. Sugar is a quick fix though, it can give you the boost in blood sugar, but that energy doesn't last. Fake sugars, especially in combination with real sugars can confuse your body about how much insulin to produce which lowers blood sugar and makes you event hungrier. Sobriety is a health journey, and sugar is a piece I really haven't conquered yet.

I don't want to be a pack-a-day gummi-bear eater, but right now I am. For food I don't think severe restriction is a good strategy for me, especially with my history of disordered eating. So the scary first step in cutting down sugar, is really to honor my hunger. It means if I'm so hungry I crave sweets right after breakfast then I need to eat more breakfast every day. That first step, eating before I get hungry, is hard for me mentally because I want to get to my most confident body. I am good at guarding against over-eating when the food is healthy and filling. I know I should  shift my perspective and diet to be kinder to myself, but the first step is scary. The most ironic thing is I pack my fiance some amazing, healthy hunger-quenching breakfasts, lunch and snacks every day. So why can't I be that kind to myself?

I've also tried intermittent fasting in the past, with a daily eating window usually between 11am and 7pm, and usually a weekend day where I really let myself enjoy the ritual of breakfast. I think that did a great job as a forcing function on food and drinking because I would plan ahead for my hunger and eat filling and healthy things. It taught me that hunger wasn't an emergency, and it changed how I used sugar to combat hunger and procrastinate. I suppose I could try that again. The tough part is that so much of my life revolves around the summer heat right now, the idea doing long morning workouts fasted combined with turning on the stove exclusively during those hot hours of the day feels crazy and hard.

This isn't going to get solved in a day, so I don't need to find a perfect solution immediately, but I'll be working on it.