What to tell other people

While I'm trying to figure out for myself what I want my relationship to alcohol to be, one of the things that scares me is telling people. There is a difference between telling people why you've quit vs just that you aren't drinking. Having to talk about the why is part of what scares me about committing to a forever sobriety. Right now, if it comes up I'm just saying that I'm not drinking today, or right now. Because of the pandemic, I'm not really around too many people so it isn't something I've had to confront.

My partner is an obvious exception to this pandemic isolation. We live together and so if felt necessary to say something. I've told him that I'm not drinking because (he already knows) I need a exercise to stay happy and I need a goal for my training to exercise (true) so I've picked a race in a few months that hasn't been cancelled yet (true) and that because it is so hot in the place where we live, training early in the morning is the only option, and I don't think I can stick to my plan and drink (also true). He is amazing for many reasons, but in this very moment I appreciate him because he is also very athletic, and doesn't drink often, and so changing my habits around him hasn't been difficult to do. Most of my problematic drinking was alone anyway, so maybe it doesn't seem like a big change to him anyway. These days I sometimes scrunch up my face as I am journaling or writing parts of this blog, and he'll ask "are you ok?" I haven't told him I'm blogging, or that going without is harder for me than he probably realizes, and eventually I probably need to.

Most of my friend group has at least one person who doesn't drink or doesn't drink much, and I don't think it will be too hard to not make a big deal about it. I've already shifted the weekly zoom happy-hour to a weeknight zoom yoga session, so that was easy. I wonder if eventually my abstinence will make other people question their drinking habits, and I worry they'll get defensive. I am sending out silent appreciating to the people who don't drink or who make space for sobriety in their social events. I also have been dabbling with some non-alcoholic substitutes, like pomegranate juice in a fancy glass, NA beer, and mocktail seltzers. I wonder and worry a little if people are going to ask about pregnancy, which might be an easy back-off line for strangers. I'm engaged, and planning to elope soon, so it feels like a conclusion people who actually know me might land on if I don't say anything. I am interested in having kids, and maybe soon, but I'm not really ready to talk to anyone but my partner about the specific timeline. I also am not making any assumptions about how easy it will be. I've heard that alcohol can interfere with fertility too, and I've never had a regular period either, so maybe there is a way I can share as a motivation without inviting too much speculation.

My parents are heavy wine drinkers. They drink most nights, and when I go over for dinner they will start the night by opening three different bottles of wine. I will consciously try to not keep pace with them, but  there is this assumption that I should "try" all three wines. When they came to visit me in April, to make a little social distancing pod, they brought more than a case of wine for a week, and that doesn't count the other things we drank. Wine, especially red wine, gives me a distinctive and unpleasant hangover, and so while certainly don't hate wine, I just don't usually prefer it. During their visit, I got one of those signature wine hangovers and told them I was taking a day off of drinking, and I didn't get any pushback, but that was just a day. Although, last time I had zoom-dinner with them they said they were taking a break from drinking too, so maybe they will be better allies that I was expecting - who knows. I am thankful to have a partner who doesn't drink much, and can imagine that for my parents making change means agreeing to make a change together, which sounds hard.

I suspect that honesty will be easier when I am further away from my old habits. The trade off is that it could make the actual practice of not drinking harder because of peer pressure, because no one would mourn the end of a sober streak with me. I still need time to figure out what I want sobriety to be like (i.e. do I need to avoid all happy hours forever, or can I grow into being a confident seltzer drinker?) I'm also assuming it will be easier to tell people that the old-me was struggling when I have a wonderful new-me to point to. Telling a story about training or taking a break is my short term solution.

Right now my official goal is to do a "Dry July", and then figure out what comes next. I succeed by preparing myself well, so I'm doing my best during June, and learning my lessons early. I've already had 18/20 drinking-free days this month, which involved some stare-downs "the buzzard" (aka my cravings) a few times. My skin feels clearer, my bloating is mostly gone and my morning workouts are better, so I can see some real benefits. I've also  gotten in the habit of asking myself "Would alcohol would really make the evening better?" and I keep finding times where the answer is no.

So the question to think about today is how much do I need to tell other people? and how soon?